‘I still cry for my mum and dad’: Alison Steadman on grief and planning

Award-winning actress, Alison Steadman, reveals how her mother’s death helped her prepare for her own end of life and how she plans to prepare her family for the future.

I still cry for my mum and dad all the time. Generally, I’m a happy and positive person, but sometimes grief just takes over.

Something will remind me; I’ll hear a piece of music or it’ll creep in if I’m feeling tired or a bit low. I’ll go: “I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could see you both.”

My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she died quite a long time ago. It’s probably been 24 years since she died.

I remember taking her shopping one day. We came back, and I was tucking her into bed, and she said to me: “Do you think I’ll still be here by Christmas?” This was the end of November. I said: “Of course you will, I’ve just bought you a new black skirt, a new jumper, a pair of slacks. Of course you’ll be here.” It was my way of not facing it.

Good care for your loved ones matters so much

Mum never really talked about her own death. We never really had that conversation as a family. I suppose we were always so keen on keeping her alive and keeping her positive that we didn’t go down that path. Maybe we should have?

Although I still carry the grief, and it still makes me incredibly sad, it helps to know Mum had the best possible care at the Marie Curie hospice in Liverpool.

I still cry for my mum and dad all the time. Generally, I’m a happy and positive person, but sometimes grief just takes over.

Shortly after we arrived there, a young male nurse came over and knelt down next to mum and said: “Now, Marj, you must be hungry. Can we tempt you with a boiled egg and toast or how about a lovely bowl of custard?”

I’ve never forgotten that, it really touched me because it was the kind of thing I would have done for my mum.

How I’m planning for the future

That’s what makes this awful process so much more bearable. To have people you can trust. People you can talk to and to help you – it’s so important.

While I do think about my own death sometimes, I try not to dwell on it because I’m very privileged. I’m of an age, I’m still working, I’m still busy. But you do need to be realistic, and you need to acknowledge that your turn will come.

I want to make it easier for my sons to sort things out when I go, so I’ve written a will. I’ve got a file that says ‘My Will’ on the front so there’s no confusion.

I have made a list of music I’d like played at my funeral. But I did that about 10 years ago, and I looked at it recently and I thought, ‘I’ve changed my mind now!’ So it’s an ever-evolving plan.

The Marie Curie Talkabout campaign aims to get people thinking, talking and planning for the end of life. There is a wealth of information on their website including conversations cards, checklists and advice. Visit mariecurie.org.uk/talkabout

If you, or someone you know, is affected by a terminal illness, dying, death or bereavement, then the Marie Curie Support Line team are ready to help seven days a week with practical information and emotional support when you need it, including a bereavement support service.